What's a Parent to Do!  Boundaries.

On Sunday mornings as I watch our families come and go, I am constantly hearing how busy everyone is, pressed for time and pressed for energy.  In the midst of that, their children are pushing all their buttons. You know what I am talking about, right? I thought maybe I would share a few parenting encouragements and strategies for the frazzled parent among you!

First, I want to remind you that you are not alone.  I know you know others who are in your exact same place but also remember that there are those who have been where you are now.  They can be a great resource to you.  By only surrounding yourself with people in the same age-and-stage of life as yourself, you are missing a great pool of wisdom and support.  Seek out women who are slightly beyond your stage to get advice from but also to trade childcare. Let's face it, who wants to watch three two year olds? But if you have a friend beyond your stage, you might have a 2nd grader, Kindergartener and a two-year old.  Then it becomes more fun for everyone as the older children play and help with the 2-yr old?  Also consider joining one of the many Mother's Clubs or MOPS in your area for additional support.  Diversify your pool of friends.

Another tendency I see is to cater to children's wants like they are needs.  Because parents are so busy, they just want the current behavior to stop so they can get done what they need to get done.  This often takes the form of bribery or barter. If you have a certain number of things that have to get done each day then you simply must help your children learn to self-sooth, self-care and entertain themselves as much as age-appropriately possible.  This is the essence of setting "boundaries." Not just for them but also for you.  The first step in setting boundaries is establishing some rules around expected behaviors.  For example, you have kids who are always interrupting you while you are on the phone.  When everyone is in a calm, listening state, tell the children that when you are on the phone that they are not to interrupt you for anything less than an emergency. Define emergency for them. Then give them the consequence for what will happen if they interrupt you.  Then when they interrupt your first phone call (they always check to see if you meant what you said - pushing the boundary) you must excuse yourself off the phone, implement the consequence and then remind them of the rule and the consequence and make the phone call back to whoever it was you were talking to before the interruption.  It takes some dedication and work to put boundaries in place but the plus side is when you are able to talk on the phone uninterrupted. You will actually gain time over time.  Learn to set healthy boundaries.

Setting boundaries are beneficial to everyone in the family.  It begins to put a strong foundation of trust and love into the family that everything else can be built on.  Do not let the fact that you work outside the home contribute guilt to your parenting picture.  Everyone does what they must to do to keep the family healthy (physically, emotionally, financially).  You go to work, they go to school, everyone works to keep the house picked up (chores), everyone contributes to family life.  That attitude will help keep everyone in balance.  

Make your "Yes" yes and your "No" no.  You are the parent.  You need to take responsibility for decision making in your family over most things.  You don't ask your children if they want to go to the doctor, right?  Yet many parents will ask their kids if they want to do something, even if the parent really wants their child to do it.  The example I see weekly is parents asking their little one if they want to go to "their church" today.  If you want spiritually healthy kids who share life with kids with similar values, you must make the decision.  When you ask a 4 year old if they want to go anywhere where you are not, what you are really saying is do you want to be with me or apart from me.  Their reply is already known - especially if they are new or come on an irregular schedule. Decisions should be age-level appropriate for the kids and for you.

Schedule!  Make one and keep it.  Kids thrive with predictability and consistency and so will you.  There can be spontaneity but it is rare and must still hold to the kids physical needs.  Things like the time that they get up, go to bed, and eat need to be constants.  A life raising children means that we put aside our own "wants" in order to meet those basic needs of our children.  But it's not all sacrifice!  Good boundaries give you back some freedom to do the more important things within the framework of the kids schedules.  

Saying no to invitations & commitments that stretch you too far.  I really want to encourage parents to care less about what others may think or say.  What would really happen if you don't go to a birthday party of a classmate, or don't attend a dinner party because you need time with your kids? Take a hard look at your calendar.  Is it a people pleasing calendar?  Are there things on it that are there just because you felt you had to be there or you or your child might be the only one NOT there?  Are you dragging your kids to events and activities because you want the time out of the house or are avoiding your own responsibilities?  These two things really set the wrong example for your children and bring a lot of chaos into your life.  Let them go.  People pleasing leads to anxiety filled lives - peace is stolen and joy exits. Selfish acts destroy families over time.  It always starts with statements like "I deserve..." "I have earned..." the fact is that you can schedule time for yourself without dragging your kids along.  Work with your spouse/partner or a network of support from other areas like grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends to create space for you while protecting your child's schedule for bedtime, nap time, and meals. Keep in mind what is best for the entire family?  It is much harder to say no at times but there is freedom in setting a healthy boundary and keeping it.  Children will thrive, communication improves as you move from dealing with the urgent to working the plan.

The task we have been given is parents is to raise our children into healthy, productive, contributing adults.  As Christian parents it is also to keep our families grounded in the Bible, growing in our faith and relationship with the Lord (see Deuteronomy 6). Keep the end in mind.  We all have known people who were difficult to be with in the work place: lie, fits of anger, gossip, constantly late, underprepared or who lack humility.  Raise your child to not be one of those people by not catering to those behaviors now.  Think about how what they are doing now will translate into as an adult if left uncorrected.  You are forming and guiding this child into adulthood.  You are the primary influencer in your child's life.  So set good boundaries for them and for you (model them).  Simplify and commit to a life that doesn't focus on pleasing people. Invest your time and energy, and theirs, into things that will make a greater difference.  

If you would like to talk more about any specific parenting challenge that you are facing, please feel free to comment below and let's begin a dialogue, using wisdom from those around us.

Blessings,

Pastor Terri